I was silently saying no to an open invitation
Andrew Capland kept posting in the Reforge community looking for podcast guests. He wanted vulnerable career stories. The kind where something went wrong and you figured your way through it.
I kept scrolling past. Every time his post came up, my reaction was the same: why would he want to hear from me?
I’d look at the other guests and start sizing them up. Their titles were bigger. Their companies were more recognizable. They had 5x my LinkedIn following. My newsletter subscriber count wasn’t anywhere close to theirs. I let my internal critic run the numbers and it was clear that I didn’t have anything meaningful to share.
Every six months, Andrew would mention again that he was inviting us to be guests. And at some point, something clicked. He wasn’t looking for the most accomplished person in the room. He was looking for someone willing to be honest about the messy parts. The thing keeping me from volunteering (the self-doubt, the comparing, the “I’m not enough”) was exactly the kind of story he wanted people to tell.
That was the irony that broke it for me. I reached out. He said yes immediately. He’d never been the one saying no. I’d been the only one with an objection, and I’d been making it on his behalf for months. Had I just trusted him in the first place, we would’ve done this a year ago.
I had been removing myself from consideration before anyone else got a vote. I was contributing to my own gatekeeping.
The backup speaker who used to pick the speakers
The irony doubled when I realized I had done this before. I recognized a pattern. I’d done this before.
Last September, I was invited to keynote at INDUSTRY, the product conference in Cleveland. Except I have been telling myself that “invited” is generous. Someone had pulled out, and I was the backup. Which meant I spent the weeks leading up to it wondering whether I would have been chosen if it weren’t an emergency.
The other keynotes were Bobby Moesta, John Cutler. Leaders from Peloton and Carta. People I admire enormously. People whose work I’ve followed for years. I understood why every one of them was on that stage. I could not figure out why I was. They had bigger audiences, bigger brands, more name recognition (sound familiar?). I’m just me.
The ridiculous part is that I know exactly how this works. I started my career as a conference planner. I’ve been on the other side of that lightboard, choosing speakers, managing the lineup, scrambling when things fell apart. I know you don’t pick a keynote by accident. And your backups? Those matter even more. You need someone you trust to deliver something great on short notice, with less prep time and no room to stumble. That’s a higher bar, not a lower one. I knew all of this. I’d lived it. And I was refusing to apply any of it to myself.
The only thing that got me through it was a mantra I kept repeating: if I was invited, I belong here. Not “I’m the best person for this.” Not “I’m going to crush it.” Just: I was invited. That’s real. I belong here.
Two stories, same pattern. And calling it imposter syndrome misses the point. This wasn’t a feeling I needed to abstract away. The issue was that I kept holding myself back: it was a behavior I needed to stop. I was opting myself out, deciding on behalf of other people that I wasn’t worth their consideration. Belief wasn’t my problem. My behavior was my problem. I didn’t need a mindset shift. I needed to catch myself in the act.
The story I never bothered to test
Both times, I was completely convinced I was reading the situation correctly. “He doesn’t want to hear from me” didn’t feel like a story I was telling myself. It felt like an observation. A reasonable read of the situation. “I don’t belong on that stage” felt like a fair assessment based on the lineup. Both were fiction. I never tested either one.
There are already plenty of external filters in your career. You don’t need to add your own. But our brains are great at manufacturing excuses. Really, embarrassingly great at it. They’ll construct an entire narrative (complete with evidence, supporting arguments, and a confident conclusion) and present it to you as fact.
And that’s what makes this so hard to catch. The fiction doesn’t feel like falsehood. It feels like you’re being realistic. It feels like you’re reading the room correctly, assessing the situation, being appropriately humble. Your brain isn’t saying “here’s a wild guess.” It’s saying “here’s what’s obviously true.” And because it feels so reasonable, you don’t question it. You just act on it. You scroll past the post. You don’t raise your hand. You apply for the safer role.
When you notice yourself opting out of something (not applying, not volunteering, not speaking up), pause and ask one question: am I working from legitimate data or from a story I made up?
The data was right there both times. Andrew had been inviting us for over a year. The conference had asked me to keynote. The other party had already said yes. I was the only one with an objection, and I’d manufactured it entirely on my own.
The reframe is blunter than “believe in yourself.” Look at what’s actually in front of you. What did the other person actually say? What actually happened? What do you know for certain versus what did your brain fill in? Start there, not with the story.

She confused the company’s story with her own
I see this pattern constantly in coaching.
One client had been living in fear of getting laid off for months. And the thing is, the fear wasn’t irrational. The company had been through multiple rounds of layoffs. The business wasn’t in great shape. There were real reasons to be worried about her job.
But she’d taken the company’s performance and made it about her own. “The company might cut my role” became “They’re just looking for an excuse to fire me in the next round.” There was no data to support that. No PIP, no warning, no difficult conversations with her manager. The company was struggling; she was not. But she couldn’t see the difference anymore, so every project became a test: pick the safe thing, the visible thing, the thing that proves you deserve to stay. She’d traded doing work she was excited about for work that felt like it wouldn’t get her fired.
When she started looking for new roles, the fear followed her there too. She was applying a level below where she’d been. Same logic: if I’m not good enough to keep, why would I be good enough for a role at this level somewhere else?
That’s self-gatekeeping in action. She was removing herself from consideration, just like I was scrolling past Andrew’s posts.
The first thing we had to do was separate the data. The company’s performance was the company’s performance. Her performance was a different question, and there was nothing in the data to suggest she was underperforming. Whether or not she got laid off, it wasn’t going to be because she wasn’t good enough. Once she could see that, she stopped shrinking. The projects she chose were based on her best judgement, not fear. She started applying for roles she was actually qualified for, showed up as herself in interviews, and landed a role where she’s been challenged, growing, and contributing in ways she hadn’t felt in a long time.
I tell a lot of clients who are shrinking their own reach the same thing: what got you here will get you there. There’s a reason you’re in the role you’re in. Actually do the role.
Recalibrate, don’t cure
I’m not fully past this. I still catch myself doing the math, comparing my credentials to someone else’s, constructing a story about why I don’t belong. The difference is that now I know to check the story against the data before I act on it.
Some amount of “do I belong here?” keeps me grounded. It keeps me preparing. It keeps me honest about what I actually know versus what I’m guessing at. The goal isn’t to eliminate self-doubt entirely. That would make me a different kind of problem.
The goal is to stop letting fiction make my decisions for me. The real question was never “am I good enough?” It’s “what’s the story I’m telling myself, and is it actually true?”
This article is based on a conversation I had on Andrew Capland’s Growing Forward podcast. You can watch the full episode here:






























